How I Rewrote a 'Not Worth It' Story Playing in my Head

Maybe my marriage's ending wasn't about rejection after all

Photo by Dan Gold on Unsplash

The day I walked out of my marriage, my soon-to-be ex handed me a bottle of wine neatly tucked in a gift bag along with the words be happy.

A bottle of wine. In a gift bag.

Seriously.

Dumbfoundedness and a hailstorm of rejection rumbled into my heart. One final sting layered onto my already beaten-down sense of self, especially after I learned what happened when three close friends were in similar situations.

All three friends’ marriages sat in rocky places. All three women drew a line in the sand. Changes had to be made or they would leave the marriage.

All three men stepped up to the challenge with words like I don’t want to lose you and What can I do to keep you? The thought of losing their wives stoked a fire to fight for their marriages.

And I was sent out the door with a bottle of wine in a gift bag.

Adiõs. Bon Voyage.

A nasty game of ‘one of these things is not like the others’ played on repeat in my head. My soon-to-be ex’s gesture slayed my self-worth. A heavy story of not being worth the fight hung on my shoulders.

Not long after I left my marriage, I listened to a podcast called Women Wanting More hosted by Karen Osborn. During one episode, Karen uttered a line that glued itself in my head.

The stories you tell yourself the most are the stories you believe the most.

As synchrony would have it, at that same time I also stumbled upon The Work by Byron Katie. Whenever a self-defeating thought hijacks our brains, she recommends running it through a set of 4 questions:

• Is it true?

• Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

• How do you react when you believe that thought?

• Who would you be without that thought?

As Karen’s words and Byron’s questions tumbled in my head, I decided to try to view this bottle of wine send-off from a different perspective. Based on the messages from those two women, a series of questions took shape.

Is this rejection story I’m telling myself true? If not, how can I see it differently? Is it possible to see it in a way that makes me feel better about myself? How can I rewrite it into something more positive?

When I sat with those questions, a strange thing happened. A series of What-if thoughts seeped into my brain.

What if that be happy bottle of wine send-off wasn’t about rejection? What if deep inside my ex knew he didn’t have it in him to make any changes, so instead of fighting to hold onto what he knew he couldn’t do, he let me go to find someone who was a better match?

What if what worked for my friends and their marriages wouldn’t ever have worked for me and mine?

What if my marriage’s ending was the best possible outcome?

What if it’s okay that one of these things wasn’t like the other?

With that shift in perspective and a better story now set in my head, the heavy weight I’d carried around slid off my shoulders, and I saw my ex’s actions and my situation with new eyes. The tension in my body faded, and I gained a new sense of self.

Maybe that be happy bottle of wine send-off wasn’t about rejection after all.

Maybe it was about release.

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