All of this says a lot about his limitations, not yours. He wil always keep pointing to the past because it is easier than looking at himself. Your growth and honesty confronts him with things he does not ever want to face. Instead of reflecting, he chooses blame and control. That only shows that he is unable or unwilling to meet you with the same self-awareness and respect you bring. And besides all of this, he is an asshole!
I agree, Noor! I had to go through this with my family (there are a lot of similarities!). One of the many things that experience taught me is that when I started to change and become stronger there were two distinct responses from others: 1) support; and 2) fear.
Fear of what it might say about them that they were not choosing to do the same work that I was.
Fear that perhaps I was outgrowing them (even though I didn't feel that way -- I was just doing my best to survive).
Fear that I would no longer be under their control.
Fear that I wouldn't stay in the small box that they wanted me in.
That's their fear, not mine. I chose to go forward and I continue to go forward. You've got this Marie! You are on the right path.
Thank you so much for your comment, Bobbi. I have been thinking about this post of mine and all the comments, and somehow when I think about his behavior during that lunch, I can now see the cracks in his facade. I can see his fear.
You know, I never thought about that, that it's confrontational for him to see me stronger than I ever was before, that he would rather want to keep me 'small'. Well, I've got news for him... I will not return to how he wants me to be. I am me, and he has to deal with it. But he won't, because yes, he always was and still is an asshole!
how dare he say “when you take full responsibility.” - Grrrr! Yes stand for who u are Marie. They have the problem, not u - you are growing all the time, they dont like that imo.
TY for sharing “Others” - I wrote a short and weird story - u will relate (no rush) <3
It's exhausting being the peace-keeper. Been there, done that! I love how this is a fierce, "un-shrunk" look at the reality of family reunions, Marie. Felt it in my bones!
Well, this Friday, I have to jump on a plane to Melbourne to catch up with my family who I haven't seen in a while and every word of this rang true. Why are they happy to judge in ways that they refuse to be judged, themselves? Often, those clinging to myths about what they think the family is are often the ones who haven't changed. That is, haven't grown at all.
That is exactly the conversation my daughter and I had, how he is still the same person he was, even though almost a year ago, we thought he'd changed. Sadly, he hasn't done one bit of growth over all those years we hadn't been in contact, and I don't mind if we don't see each other again. I prefer to have people in my life who accepts me for who I am now.
I have been estranged from my half brother for over 40 years. Just because they are "family" doesn't mean we should keep these people in our life. Let him and his criticism go....No one needs to suffer this kind of abuse....
I am so proud of you for seeing the full picture, coming around and becoming the mature, wise version of yourself that you are proud of now. (And shame on them)
All of this says a lot about his limitations, not yours. He wil always keep pointing to the past because it is easier than looking at himself. Your growth and honesty confronts him with things he does not ever want to face. Instead of reflecting, he chooses blame and control. That only shows that he is unable or unwilling to meet you with the same self-awareness and respect you bring. And besides all of this, he is an asshole!
I agree, Noor! I had to go through this with my family (there are a lot of similarities!). One of the many things that experience taught me is that when I started to change and become stronger there were two distinct responses from others: 1) support; and 2) fear.
Fear of what it might say about them that they were not choosing to do the same work that I was.
Fear that perhaps I was outgrowing them (even though I didn't feel that way -- I was just doing my best to survive).
Fear that I would no longer be under their control.
Fear that I wouldn't stay in the small box that they wanted me in.
That's their fear, not mine. I chose to go forward and I continue to go forward. You've got this Marie! You are on the right path.
Thank you so much for your comment, Bobbi. I have been thinking about this post of mine and all the comments, and somehow when I think about his behavior during that lunch, I can now see the cracks in his facade. I can see his fear.
You know, I never thought about that, that it's confrontational for him to see me stronger than I ever was before, that he would rather want to keep me 'small'. Well, I've got news for him... I will not return to how he wants me to be. I am me, and he has to deal with it. But he won't, because yes, he always was and still is an asshole!
how dare he say “when you take full responsibility.” - Grrrr! Yes stand for who u are Marie. They have the problem, not u - you are growing all the time, they dont like that imo.
TY for sharing “Others” - I wrote a short and weird story - u will relate (no rush) <3
I definitely will stand for who I am, and if he wants to remember me as he thinks I was, then it's on him, not me.
I will definitely read... it's on my screen, I just have to catch up <3
It's exhausting being the peace-keeper. Been there, done that! I love how this is a fierce, "un-shrunk" look at the reality of family reunions, Marie. Felt it in my bones!
Thank you, Diana. Indeed, I've been the peacekeeper for SO long, and I am done doing that. I want to live my life for ME, not for others.
Well, this Friday, I have to jump on a plane to Melbourne to catch up with my family who I haven't seen in a while and every word of this rang true. Why are they happy to judge in ways that they refuse to be judged, themselves? Often, those clinging to myths about what they think the family is are often the ones who haven't changed. That is, haven't grown at all.
That is exactly the conversation my daughter and I had, how he is still the same person he was, even though almost a year ago, we thought he'd changed. Sadly, he hasn't done one bit of growth over all those years we hadn't been in contact, and I don't mind if we don't see each other again. I prefer to have people in my life who accepts me for who I am now.
Indeed! I’m sitting on the plane right now, so this is very sustaining.
Enjoy!
To be yourself is an adventure, a lifelong journey. You only live once. Always good to read your blunt, powerful words.
Thank you for your kind words 😊
I have been estranged from my half brother for over 40 years. Just because they are "family" doesn't mean we should keep these people in our life. Let him and his criticism go....No one needs to suffer this kind of abuse....
You are quite right, Dianne. Even though we are connected by blood doesn't mean I have to keep him and his abuse in my life.
I am so proud of you for seeing the full picture, coming around and becoming the mature, wise version of yourself that you are proud of now. (And shame on them)
Thank you so much, Yuni, for your very kind words 🤍
It's so good you finally found yourself!
Nevena ❤️