Shark in the Water
My abuser married someone from my high school
My abuser’s M.O. was always jumping from woman to woman, sopping up his narcissistic supply and any other perks he could leech from his victims.
His love-bombing courtship tactics allowed him to dive into personal information and vulnerabilities that he could later weaponize. From there, it became intense and controlling quickly.
He used to dangle the concept of a proposal over me like a carrot, until one day I finally saw that it was bait on a hook.
When I heard through the grapevine that he’d gotten married, I wasn’t exactly surprised. What did make my stomach turn, however, was finding out his new wife had gone to my high school.
I didn’t know her personally, but I have friends who did. She’d been in my younger sister’s grade at our school; separated from me by only a couple of years.
The thought makes me bristle in a protective in a way I can’t quite articulate.
Is his proximity intentional? Is it malicious? Does he even notice? I’m supposed to have been “discarded” by this narcissistic asshole, right? So why does he still get to loom so ominously nearby?
Anger floods me like a wave. I shouldn’t have to ask myself any of this. He didn’t go to our school. Didn’t grow up anywhere nearby, not even in the same state. So what is he still doing there? What gives him the right to live in my periphery like this?
I wish he’d get the hell out of my hometown, far away from my people and everything I love.
Instead, I had to.
In the four years since we broke up, I never cared to seek out information about his life unless it was relevant to my safety. I do my best to completely cut off access to me. I even moved across the country in an attempt to feel safer and begin to recover.
The internet, exposed as it is, has posed its challenges. Monitoring my online security is a never-ending stressor.
I hardly ever post online outside of my writing. I’ve explained the risk to loved ones to the degree I felt they could stomach. I’ve requested that anyone close to me, anyone who may post about me online, block him and his flying monkeys.
But occasionally, as was the case in learning about the wedding, a mutual acquaintance will mention him popping up on their feed. This is usually accompanied by the latest update and a comment about how relieved they are that we aren’t together anymore.
I resent the way he continues to lurk near my closest social supports; circling like the shadow of a shark in dark water.
I try not to attract attention or give him a reason to look me up. I sincerely hope he’s completely discarded me and doesn’t think of me at all; that’d be the best thing for my safety.
No sudden movements.
All things considered, I’d take my chances with the shark.
I’ve often thought about reaching out to her; feeling a kin-like responsibility to somehow shelter her. Going back and forth with trusted loved ones and my counselor, the recommendation across the board has been to prioritize my safety. Adjust your life preserver first and all that.
I spend so much time working to help others overcome abuse through my writing and advocacy efforts. Yet here I feel so helpless.
The most I’ve felt safe doing is hinting to mutual acquaintances who’ve brought it up that he’s bad news and someone should be checking on her.
I hope the message finds its way to her.
I hope she’s in a place to hear it.
I hope she has loved ones who see and believe her. I hope he doesn’t manage to isolate her from them. I hope he doesn’t get his hooks into her health, relationships, and sense of self the way he did to mine.
It's infuriating that he continues to loom over your life in this way. Sending you love and support, Veronica. And thank you for sharing!
I am so glad u got away - and I do hope his current gal is ok and will be brave enough to leave, sounds like there won't be a choice.
you wrote this in a way that got my heart beating faster almost from the start. Phew! I think I need to take a deep breath! Best wishes to u!