The Do-Over I’ll Never Get

On mothering, relationships, and the weight of what can’t be undone

Photo by Angélie Page on Unsplash

“You can’t get a do over.”

Well, yes, I know that, but it does cause me to sit down and think about all the things I wish I could redo from this new place. However, I’m not sure if “new” is the right word. The more ‘me’ place. That would be more accurate. The version of me who isn’t in survival. She doesn’t get to do things again.

“Be grateful for what you have. Be grateful for where you are at now.”

I am. Yet, I can’t help but wish that for certain things I could go back in time and do them again. From a stronger, more stable place. Nothing wrong with hoping. As long as the wishes don’t take over, and that’s all you can see. It’s not good if all you can see are the failures and the ‘should haves’. That’s when you become bitter and angry. These emotions, if left unchecked, permeate everything and cause ripples of effect in your relationships and surroundings.

So, I try. I don’t always succeed, but as I have mentioned many times, I'm human. I am prone to making mistakes. The point is to learn from them. Or to try better next time anyway! What do I wish I could get a do-over with?

The most important one? Mothering.

The pregnancy, the delivery, even those first moments. How I fed my baby is one of the big things. I don’t know how it feels to breastfeed my baby. Many who are reading this will be rolling their eyes. Millions of women all over the world aren’t able to breastfeed their babies for many reasons. Why do I keep banging on about it? For me, it didn’t have a tangible reason. It was unseen and, to some extent, an unknown reason until recently.

I was also not emotionally stable. I micromanaged their emotions to ensure my own safety, but I failed to respond calmly or effectively when they became dysregulated, which only added to their distress. I was obsessed with ensuring my kids were never seen as less than anyone else. I did not want them tainted by the same brush as me. There are so many other things I could list, but basically, it all boils down to this: I wish the mum I am today with them were the same mum they got when they were little.

Second on my list? Relationships.

I wish I had approached certain relationships differently. Put down different foundations. Been louder with my voice. Not capitulate or give in so easily to the point it’s now expected. If I had entered these relationships as me now, they would be different. Perhaps they wouldn’t have even existed, but at least I wouldn’t be trying to straddle the past and present versions of myself to keep things calm and stable.

It’s interesting being in long-term relationships regardless of types and realising that you’ve changed while the other hasn’t. You find yourself trying to understand the dynamics of it all through a different lens. Then you know the dynamics, and it hits you. This no longer works. Except how do you remove yourself without hurting feelings? You can’t really. So, you sit, trying to figure out the next steps, wishing that in the past, you had known all that you know now.

The third thing I wish I could get a do-over for was having a normal university experience. Many have argued that it’s not essential. Look at what I have achieved, and what I am doing now. It’s not the point. I missed out on a lot of milestones that others took for granted. It’s a metric that many are judged by, and when your own father assumes you are an idiot due to the lack of one, it’s not hard to want that metric so you can be like everyone else.

It’s the coat of normality that I wish for, as it would denote that what happened to me as a child did not. I know it did, and nothing can change that, but if I could say that I had that experience and finished it along with all my friends, I wouldn’t feel shame and as if I am less than. It’s not nice walking into a room and always feeling like you’re on the wrong foot, as you know that, according to the metrics of society, you are a failure. Perhaps this isn’t even true anymore, but it’s a cloak I still wear, struggling to take it off once and for all. Like I said, it would be easier if my own father didn’t judge me by this metric.

All of this comes back to the same argument: “Leave things in the past.” Many all over have been heard to say this. Time to leave it in the past, yet you cannot because it has come into the present day, and for some, it will go into the future. It is not as simple as leaving a box in the cupboard and forgetting about it.

Your brain rewires, and your emotions rearrange to adapt to this new way of living. This new way that many know as surviving.

While I know I will never be able to change the past, I also know that right now, I am working hard on ensuring my present and future are less tangled up with the past. Some things will hurt before they are fixed, and others will slowly grow and thrive with this new watering system. There will still be wistful glances backwards, but as long as they are simply that, wistful glances, then I am doing okay.

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