The Freedom to Authentically Be Me

I grew to value the idea that freedom was also about being able to make and carry out my own choices

Your freedom may not mean the same thing as my idea of freedom…

Copyright — the Author May More

Freedom is a multifaceted concept, as its interpretation can vary from person to person. This stems from the fact that the essence of freedom originates in the ability to express oneself, which can vary among individuals.

For many, freedom will be about shedding the shackles. Whereas others need boundaries to help define them.

How about ME

As I entered my teenage years, I came to realise, having the opportunity to simply be myself was incredibly liberating. From that moment forward, I consciously attempted to create a circle of friends who welcomed and embraced me for who I am and what I represent. For surely freedom must begin with self?

As I got older, I grew to value the idea that freedom was also about being able to make and carry out my own choices. When such liberties are removed, humans can react in varied ways. This can be illustrated by lockdown behaviour.

Freedom put on hold

During the initial months of lockdown, the constraints stripped away the ability to choose, consequently diminishing a significant portion of my self-esteem. Although, the resilience of the human soul can often use adversity to rise above. The only way I could do this was to keep on writing. While my words flourished, my mental health and inner child wilted.

For various reasons, at this point in time — 23rd March 2020 — my partner and I found ourselves sharing his brother's one-bedroom flat in a major city centre in Scotland. Trapped, unable to get back to our rural home many miles away. I struggled to stay rational under the stress of not being free.

Normally, my work puts me in remote, high oxygenated countryside places. But at the start of the government constraints I was shut out from my home, job, life, and it felt like the END.

Freedom had taken a ride and along with it my independence, confidence, and sense of identity.

Three of us in such a small space — literally meant we had no space.

Instead of breathing in fresh air, I was unwittingly sniffing the cannabis fuelled smog of the neighbourhood tenements. I have to say I wrote some very individual pieces during that time!

Furthermore, my lack of preparation meant that I had packed only a couple of changes of clothing for the trip. Forget about not being able to go to the hairdressers, I didn’t even have enough to put in the one drawer my brother-in-law had emptied out for me.

I kept telling myself,

come on May, pull yourself together, things could be worse.

And just when I began to try, my brother-in-law was admitted into hospital after he suffered some heart problems. No visitors allowed. After about ten days of isolation, a battery of tests and a newly installed stent — he came home a much healthier colour.

Live or die

I wonder if suicide or thoughts of being better off dead rose during the lockdown? Don’t get me wrong, personally I was not thinking along those lines, however, I did feel I was slowly turning crazy.

My self-esteem plummeted daily. I put on weight, not loads, just enough to feel unfit. I drank too much wine to blot out the boring daily existence — it read like groundhog day. And I slept long hours, causing the old injury on my knee to flair up slightly.

Although I did enjoy my walk most days, I still longed for my wellies and green fields. Instead, I got the stench of overdue rubbish and dog poo.

On one of my strolls a few months into the lockdown, police had instigated a diversion outside a very tall building. It appeared a guy had jumped at dawn that very morning. A clean-up was still underway. I can not begin to comprehend how dreadful this person must have felt to take the precious gift — life. Perhaps no longer having a say in his day-to-day existence led him to take control of his own fate?

The next day, when I searched for information about the incident, it was listed as an accident. I think during those uncertain times, some suicides didn’t make it to print. Perhaps the government were concerned it may encourage others. I know that sounds outlandish, but many people were mentally effected by the restrictions, rationality was not always at the forefront of their minds.

Freedom to smell the roses

Walking became very popular because it was one way to be free. Watching birds fly and feeling the wind on your face fed a little of the innate need to be at one with the world.

I noticed those I passed would smile and nod. That often happens in the countryside but hardly ever in a city. I believe that people were acknowledging each other to create an atmosphere of unity amidst the challenges — we’re all in this together. Understanding that none of us could foresee or plan for what lay ahead. Such conditions mess with a mind, making life feel like a kind of limbo.

When nothing is certain, most people feel trapped rather than free.

I spent some time as a younger person in cities and small flats. Indeed, I grew up in a suburban town characterised by streets lined with uniform houses. However, the instant I laid eyes on the countryside, I realised that was where I belonged. At any opportunity, I would jump on a bus until I found a large park or preferably woods where I could make camps and pretend I lived in the wild.

A while ago, I wrote about when I ran away as a child — there were many reasons behind why I did this, and I remember wanting to keep walking until the streets widened up to fields and open spaces. But we never got that far.

Family history

I think my need to not be fenced in goes back many generations. I was adopted and when I became a grown woman I learned of my roots. It then became clear why I wanted to literally run for the hills. I have travelling blood — gypsy and seafaring— swirling around my genes.

My birth mum is descended from the real Romany gypsies. Her grandparents had lived in the new forest with ponies and travelling caravans, and my birth father — who I don’t think I ever met — was a sailor! I love the ocean. And so it is not really a surprise that I adore all wide open spaces.

As soon as I changed my life to spend more time in rural areas, I felt free. A sense of largeness, wideness — space — enabled me to embrace my independence and confidence. For me, there is a definite correlation between having the freedom to choose where I live/work and a feeling of being in control of my own destiny.

Future

Growing older, my focus is on fostering positivity by remaining authentic and embracing my true self. This path has shown me that at the end of the day I am only accountable to myself and my loved ones…

Know your truths.
Stand up for them.
Don’t be scared to be an individual.

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I recommend this essay from

Ute Luppertz

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“it was strange to transition from Christian prayer to Buddhist practices and meditation, but soon, it became my home state, and I felt a sense of inner freedom.” - My Holy Places

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