Some Double-crossing and Dirty Dealing!

Communication, Cheating, Life Lessons: This essay explores how my own betrayals have often been rooted in poor communication

Deposit Photos Standard Licence — Author zoomteam

In personal essays, we often look back and focus on the times others have hurt or betrayed us. When I wrote this piece though, I wanted to turn that lens inward — to reflect on the times I’ve been the one in the wrong. I’m no angel, and I’ve made mistakes that caused others pain—mostly because something broke down in the communication, on their side or mine.

But the experiences I share here today changed me. They taught me three things:

• treat people the way you’d want to be treated

• speak up when something needs to be said

• and real love matters

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

My first boyfriend Jim was perfect for that job. I was never going to go off the rails or get involved with the wrong crowd while we were together. And he was an adventurous lover too. If anyone did the betraying in our relationship, it was me. My best friend Vic was also a friend of Jim’s. When Vic and I began seeing each other behind Jim’s back, we were both behaving like dirty rotten scoundrels!

Vic and I had spent most of our teen years as friends, so really felt our needs came before anyone else’s trust in us. Looking back, I don’t even remember feeling bad. I definitely didn’t bother telling Jim that I was seeing someone else. And finally, when I dumped Jim, I lied about the reasons.

In mitigation, your honour, I will offer you the fact that I was genuinely concerned mentioning the affair would have upset Jim even more.

Loved Up

So then Vic and I became an item. And I ain’t gonna lie — I loved the guy. We knew each other inside out mentally and set about knowing the same amount in bed. We were loved up and for a while, nobody could have got between us.

As to communicating; we did it pretty well. Probably because we’d been friends for so long, we felt we could tackle most topics. That was until Nate came along. Vic was working nights in a recording studio and I was lonely. Looking back, I can see I behaved badly. Was selfish and just after the next infatuation fix!

When did the communication break down? I didn’t see it happen, but suddenly I was being fucked by this other guy, but for a week or so still thought everything would remain fine with Vic, because I loved him so.

Breakdown in Communication

Nate was a flash in the pan, and maybe when I realised this fact I should have put my communication skills to good use and sat down with Vic to tell him what an untrustworthy so-and-so I’d been. But I didn’t. I cried, knowing I’d have to leave Vic because I’d betrayed him.

I was not to be relied upon.

In hindsight, I think Vic and I would have been the perfect candidates for an open relationship. But back then, I didn’t really know polyamory was a thing.

Vic cried too. Even my pals cried.

It was a sad day when I walked out the flat he and I shared. But on the plus side, we remained friends and now can literally talk to each other about anything under the sun. Indeed, I did eventually tell him what happened with Nate.

He replied, “May, how could you do that to us?”

For a long time I wondered the same thing. And I’d be lying if I said we never had sex again. We did.

Trying my best

Seb, who eventually became the father of my kids, was obsessed with me right from the start. By this time I’d learned quite a lot about myself, so informed him straight away —

‘you can’t trust me. I may want to play today and be gone tomorrow.’

He decided to take his chances, and we had a rocky and volatile relationship. (He cheated on me at one point). Then, it was during a time we were “on a break” that I first met my now-partner.

Anyway, I did honestly try and communicate all the time with Seb, but he was easily shocked sexually and not very open regarding things I wanted to try. So gradually my attempts got fewer until any line of reasonable communication closed down. Our relationship as sexual partners just faded away. I had offers from other guys, but didn’t want to cheat and betray again.

If only Seb had been more open sexually, more willing to understand my past.

I was trying to learn from my previous mistakes, so kept myself to myself. Until my needs got the better of me and…

Online Shenanigans

I met a guy on a games site who pretended to be something he wasn’t. I thought we were communicating brilliantly. We typed reams to each other. Sharing our past, secrets, wants and needs. All online, when these things were not carried out online!

I didn’t want to make another mistake, so I was over particular in some of the things I asked him. I needed to make sure. And when we finally met, it seemed all the hours of typing had been worth it.

Eventually we became a family and I loved him. But I didn’t ever really know him.

When I tried to communicate my feelings about anything, he simply behaved like a child. It really did feel like I had three children to care for, not two. So, many things began to fall apart.

Rescued

As I said, I met my partner — Rik — before I had my kids, when Seb and I were on a break. We clicked and had some incredible dates, but Seb and I got together again, so we moved away.

Rik came back into my life - many years later - via a strange coincidence — (Kismet maybe), and was hovering in the wings.

After our initial few rekindling meetings, I refused to see him. Our feelings were too intense, and I had the important job of providing a home still for one of my children. But I knew, clear as day follows night, we were meant to be a couple. He seemed to understand that communication was key and would not skirt around issues others shy away from.

He waited for me, and during that time we didn’t meet but spoke on the phone now and then and wrote occasional letters and emails. By the time we finally got together, neither of us were in any doubt what we wanted from the relationship.

We have our ups and downs, which can be infuriating, but I know when I crawl into bed at the end of the day — he’s one of my kind.