When I Finally Chose to Blossom
The only option left was to smash the greenhouse completely
About fourteen years ago, I was in a relationship where, after a short time, I came to see the way I was being treated as normal. It happened so gradually, I hadn’t noticed how his behaviour diminished me—shrinking my essence until I became a diluted version of who I’d once been.
The gradual imposition of controlling behaviours started when my partner insisted on chauffeuring me wherever I wished to go. Because my lifestyle was comfortable, I was a little lazy and didn’t delve too deeply into the underlying dynamics. However, the situation progressed to the point of him spying on me and tracking my every move, which of course made me extremely uncomfortable, and I finally had to decide on the best way forward.
To a certain extent, he’d very slowly brainwashed me, blurring my perception. I didn’t think too deeply about this, as my priority was to adapt and cope with what was going on. Not rock the boat.
Here’s the story…
I was at a vulnerable time in my life when Andy and I first made a home together. Living alone with two children under eleven and struggling financially — their father had defrauded me.
I fell heavily for Andy, even though he was not my type at all. It was obvious he felt the same.
At first, it just seemed as if he was a little possessive, and I could understand that somewhat as he had given up a lot to be with me. I made sure I reassured him, and things seemed to be okay for a while.
However, I was wary because my free spirit had initially attracted a few previous partners who’d boxed me in and throw a ribbon around the confines. This was partly my fault as I allowed it to happen, but now I was older — I thought I had learned from my earlier mistakes, so was confident I would not be ruled by anyone again.
On reflection, I think if my children hadn’t been so young, I would have halted the situation before it spiralled out of control. Which means I probably was not totally blameless — my occasional flighty and erratic traits may have fuelled the way he acted.
It started with wanting to always know where I was. Of course, if he drove and picked me up, he could be certain of my whereabouts. Before I even realised this behaviour was controlling, I had got used to the arrangement. It had become part of our routine and not wanting to create conflict; I went along with the ritual.
Next was my phone. He would check it daily and eventually found out I had been in contact with someone I had known many years before. He said this made him insecure and once he started picking at that scab, he couldn’t leave it alone.
If I put a lock on my phone it made things worse, as then he thought I was hiding something. Back in 2011 mobiles were relatively new, so couples didn’t even consider it a breach of privacy to pick up their partner’s phone. Once again, alarm bells weren’t ringing.
Then one day I was on my laptop while he was at work, and it behaved strangely. Stopped mid-screen for a moment. After this happened a few times, I explored the hard drive. I found he had installed a program which took photos of the sites I viewed or the emails I was writing. I deleted all the files and tackled him about it.
“I just need to know it is me you want to be with,” he whined.
Trouble was, by now I just wasn’t sure. How many chances should I give him? I mentioned perhaps we should separate, and he threatened me by saying I was the one who would have to leave the house,
“I’ve done nothing wrong. All I do is love you. Why should I leave?”
I knew he’d legally fight me for our home. And I did still care about him. It was his behaviour I didn’t like. So, I convinced myself that his actions were just a normal part of our life, even though they made me feel like I had no autonomy.
Along the way, he taped me while I was chatting to a close friend and afterwards questioned me about the conversation.
Then the incident, which should have elicited a powerful reaction from me, occurred.
He put a tracking device in my car.
When I realised what he had done, all the earlier invasions of my privacy suddenly didn’t seem normal any more. It hit me square between the eyes — I was constantly being spied on.
This was a form of domestic abuse.
However, instead of ranting and raving, learned helplessness took over my mindset. I believed I was powerless and this was my fate. While being prevented from making any decisions, my self-esteem plummeted.
Eventually, I found it hard to breathe air that didn’t feel toxic and burn my lungs. I hated being under his spotlight.
I was suffocating.
I began to ruminate on my past and remembered a clairvoyant had visualised me as a tree kept in a greenhouse. She said one day my branches would break the glass, and I’d finally be free to grow and bloom. This metaphor now made sense.
When I asked for a separation, the twigs had split a pane or two. But Andy had taped the glass shreds together to mend the cracks.
The hurt inside grew and fed my bough, resulting in me being doubled over in the small space. The only option left was to smash the greenhouse completely.
One evening when I arrived home from work after he’d picked me up as usual, my heart was pounding. I knew it was now or never…
I went up to my daughter’s room. She was studying at university and hadn’t been there for many months. There was no need for me to remain. I grabbed a small case from the wardrobe. I had packed it weeks before. It had lain there, waiting for the moment when I was brave and ready to take another chance on myself.
Scared. I walked into the living room, knowing exactly where he would be sitting. In the same place as always.
If he wouldn’t move out of our house, then I would. Although I knew once again I’d lose all I had.
“I’m leaving.” I swallowed back the saliva which had gathered in my mouth and licked my dry lips.
He looked up and smiled. He didn’t believe me.
I walked out to the car, fired up the engine, and drove away — my head full of regret regarding all the time I had wasted trying to be somebody else, and what could have been…
Breaking out of the greenhouse left scars. Glass. It’s bound to happen. But as time went on, a new life emerged. My roots had room to spread and grow. Although it hasn’t been plain sailing, many things have had a chance to blossom — Love, relationships, work, and my writing…
No matter how afraid you may be, sometimes you have to take a risk so you can move forward and grow.
The day came, when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Anais Nin
Read more about this time here: Casting Spells to Free Myself From a Controlling Relationship…
Written for the KTHT prompt - A love that asked you to shrink - Find our latest prompts here:
I shivered reading this, remembering my own experience with a controling man. It's horrible, and a good thing both you and I got out! 💜
OMG. May. The part about you planning your escape is so tense and palpable! And then the beautiful image of you as a tree finally "smashing the greenhouse" to bloom...WOW. I'm quite speechless, to be honest. Thank you for sharing this.