The Shrinking Love
When "Us" meant less of "Me"
Note: This was written in a fragmented style to mirror the experience of being in a “shrinking love”. The sense of self becomes fragmented, breaking into smaller, disconnected pieces. Specific moments and feelings become overwhelmingly prominent and are detached from the broader context. The voice is stifled, expressing itself only in gasps or broken whispers. There is unease, tension, psychological distress, and a feeling of being trapped.
A love that shrinks.
It starts like all loves do. Quietly creeping. Gently enveloping you.
Sandalwood and sunshine. A milky fog. Engulfing completely.
This love began sweet, too. But a hint of rotten, always tainting it.
Picnics, romanticised by me. He couldn't stand bugs. Or pollen. Or soil under his fingernails. "Messy," he called it. I was messy too. Wouldn't that make him love me less? Lunch indoors only.
I loved exploring. Watching life in pictures. Attending outdoor concerts. Eager to pollinate my passions. But travel? "Overrated." His claim. My city was beautiful. I just didn’t pay enough attention. His words, granular particles scratching my eardrums. I nodded in agreement. My own environment. Could it become my medicine?
No time for hate. Full of wonder and whimsy. Totally captivated. The human mind. Contrasts. Disparities. But he had a ribcage full of rage. Silent judgements. A victim of his circumstances. I empathised. He painted me as the vessel. His anger. Unrealised potential. Envy. I stopped pointing out beauty in others. Not to cause him any discomfort.
Open skies. Cherished. The liberty to choose my own path. To let my thoughts roam free. To own myself entirely. But he viewed this part with suspicion. Not long before, he started building walls around it. The enclosure. Comforting at first. Quickly morphed. A thicket of thorns.
No friends. No one reaching out. I isolated myself. Chandelier of frozen tears. Spending all my time with him. Our little bubble. No one from the outside could intrude. Ambitions undermined. Feelings dismissed. Successes unrecognised.
It wasn’t long before I wanted out. Deep, tangled roots in this relationship. Who was I before it? Couldn’t quite remember. Love amnesia. Blurring my own outlines. Not solely the dynamics. Shrinking. Identity not fully developed. A strong inner core. Boundaries of my own. Strong beliefs.
I was afraid. Not of the break up itself, but of what would happen once we did. Return to "myself"? From before? I didn't feel I could. It changed me. The very essence. I knew more now. About boundaries. What happens when they blur. Compromising. For peace. Renouncing joy for love. To be celebrated for losing yourself. Not for being yourself.
I walked away. Just in time. Not to sink. Like an iron door. Blaming him for everything. Then blaming myself. How? Why? Did I allow this? Takes two to tango. That's when I learned. Work on myself. Get to know myself. Stand by what I believe in. Keep doing what I enjoy. Even in a relationship.
When I was younger, I didn’t understand that a love that shrinks is almost always a two-way street. I’ve solely placed the blame on my ex-partners who were controlling, demeaning or codependent, but the truth is, I also let myself “shrink”. I had a low self-esteem prior to entering relationships, a fear of abandonment and conflict, people-pleasing tendencies and a lack of boundaries. Looking back, I can see how the shrinking was facilitated and how I allowed it to happen, albeit unconsciously.
The profound truth I learned in those confined spaces is this: love doesn't demand fragmentation, it blossoms in wholeness. In order to love another person, you must fiercely, unapologetically and continuously choose to be your own expansive universe.
Written in response to one of the May prompts:
The style worked brilliantly for this Diana and i resonate so much with your words and agree - by allowing it to happen we enable them in a way - i have been in those shoes for sure. TY for sharing something so deeply personal
This is a literature-level masterpiece. I love every bit of it. ❤️
When I was younger, I also shrank in a few relationships. I am still shrinking in one way but expanding in another. My husband feels the same. I guess that there's just so much space there; we just need to find a good equilibrium for the two parties in a relationship.